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By jamie, March 31, 2010 8:29 am

We started potty training our daughter when she was about five months old. We read the book, Infant Potty Training: A Gentle and Primeval Method Adapted to Modern Living, by Laurie Boucke, and decided that it made a lot of sense to help our kiddo learn how to use the bathroom with this no-pressure, time-tested (in other cultures, and for generations) method. Unfortunately, we were not consistent. For example, we would get very busy, or go away on a trip, stop training, and then start again when we felt motivated to do so.

We decided to “get serious” when she turned one, but fell off the wagon here and there, and, as a result, she is almost* (but not quite) trained one year later. Needless to say, Barbara suggests consistency in potty training. She disagrees with anyone promising toilet training in 24 hours, says that our children should be ready and willing before we begin, and that we should be patient (meaning we must not complain about the inevitable accident, even months into the process).

I wish I could get clarification on taking breaks and staying consistent: she recommends we keep diapers on hand in case our toddlers need to take a break from potty training, or for night time (she says that many kids take a long time to be night trained, which is the opposite case for our daughter – she has woken up dry since she was an infant). A few months ago our daughter surged ahead in potty mastery when we took away the pull ups completely. We took a long weekend to work with her, and she was doing fantastic – then we had to take her back to nursery school. The first day, her teachers cleaned up a lot of puddles, so I suggested we return to pull ups the following day. The director at her school completely disagreed, saying “Never go backwards. Once you get started, you keep moving forwards. Just make sure we have plenty of extra clothing for her.” And they were right! Maybe Barbara means that we should have the diapers in case we learn that we have started training too soon, or maybe she is really only suggests using them at night – this is not clear from my reading of the chapter.

One thing I disagree on – the book was first published in 1994, then revised in 2002, so she mentions “pull ups” as being new on the market, but recommends them – I find that my daughter relaxes when she is wearing these, and is more likely to stay dry in “big girl undies.” In fact, as I am writing this, I am paying the price for putting her back in pull ups – we went to Disney, and I didn’t want her to leave puddles on the rides, so I put her in pull ups just in case. This morning I am washing a load of laundry, courtesy of my baby girl – and I’m hoping that she will resume her potty mastery by the time she returns to nursery school next week (don’t worry – we will not pressure her – today I will just be more vigilant about reminding her to “go potty” until she resumes telling me when she needs to go). In my opinion, if you and your child are ready to potty train, use the big kid undies whenever possible (pull ups for daycare and bedtime if necessary).

Oh, and cheers to Barbara for not using those dreadful words, “pee” and “poop” – I can’t stand those words. She says “wet” and “BM” instead. Those sound so much nicer, don’t you think?

*Almost potty trained means that she wakes up dry every morning, but occasionally makes a puddle during the day, and we have to catch her having a BM, because she seldom warns us when these are about to happen.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

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By jamie, March 30, 2010 11:58 am

But I will definitely finish at least two this week. My queue is getting so big that I am actually having trouble deciding which one(s) to start reading next. I think I will focus on In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto after I finish Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline.

Comments (8)

By jamie,

One time, when we were kids, our family went to Disneyland during a square dancing convention. When we arrived that morning, we learned that the park was going to remain opened until 4 am. We were so excited when we learned this, because our family was cool, and we knew they would let us remain there until closing time (we got our money’s worth out of those Disney tickets). All night long, we ran around Disneyland, getting on ride after ride without having to wait in line. My Reyna (my Grandma) was with us, as well as other extended family, and we all have great memories of that (very long, very fun) day.

As it turns out, Barbara does not believe in set bedtimes either, and she also allows for flexibility in routine. I guess this should not have surprised me given her belief in natural consequences. She says that kids will learn to go to bed earlier after a few days of being tired at school. Instead of a set bedtime, give them routines and help them learn how to get to sleep on their own.

Sleep is something we are actively working on as parents (and part of our problem may be that I am not the best model in this area – I, too, resist sleep). Our (almost) two-year-old does not like to go to sleep (once she’s down, she stays down for ten hours or so, but she is not a napper and valiantly resists falling asleep). After reading this chapter, I think we need to develop structure without strict routine, but I’m not exactly sure what to do yet. Part of our problem is that we travel several times a year. We live in Florida, but we visit my family on the west coast – the time zone jump is tricky for sleep patterns, and requires us to be flexible.

I was glad to read that Barbara does not condone the popular “cry it out” method of sleep teaching. I don’t want my babies to cry themselves to sleep, even if it is just for a few days/hours. I want to teach them techniques so that they can happily go to sleep without their last thoughts of each day being sadness or frustration. That said, we just took bottles away from our little one (late, I know), and some nights have involved at least a few tears. She also asks for repeated potty trips because she knows we take those requests seriously (she is almost completely potty trained, so she sleeps in “big girl” undies).

While she includes a lot of useful techniques for helping infants sleep, for older children Barbara basically says that each family needs to determine what works best for everyone, and follow through. When she discusses her own practices, she phrases them as her family’s practices, and explains why they work for her family. I really like that she does not say that their way is better than that of another family.

One thing she and her husband do – they have a lock on their bedroom door that they use every night. The kids just have to knock, and a parent will be available for them. Among other reasons for this, she says teaches children to knock before entering another person’s bedroom, and it allows the parents to have privacy. I cannot imagine doing this in my home, but it works in hers. What about you?

Tomorrow: Potty Training

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (4)

By jamie, March 27, 2010 4:07 pm

I made most of my daughter’s baby food when she was an infant because I had read that this would help her avoid being a picky eater. (We already have one of those in the family – my husband is happiest when his foods do not touch and contain only a few ingredients and prefers not to have vegetables.) As you may have guessed, it didn’t work. Now, when faced with a vegetable, or with anything new, she makes a face, licks the proffered item, then solemnly says, “I don’t liike ut.” Sometimes she skips the lick.

So, what to do? Barbara suggests, for kids who do not eat cooked vegetables, to offer them frozen. “[f]rozen corn, frozen carrots, frozen peas do not taste like corn, carrots, or peas; they taste like frozen.” I am really not sure about this – I know my big “kid” will refuse them, and I’m quite certain that my little kid will just lick them and say “I don’t liike ut.” If any of you try this method and it works, please let me know.

For the second time in a row, I am not entirely on board with Barbara. She has lots of suggestions for specific food matters, and some of them I did not like at all. For example, if a kid puts too much on their plate and doesn’t finish it, she suggests that we refrigerate the uneaten food, and then offer it the next time the child is hungry (but not at the next meal) in order to teach him that “he can make a mistake in the amount of food he takes and can have a responsible way of dealing with the mistake.” I think, instead, that we can teach our kids to take only a little bit, eat that, and then get some more. I mean really – sometimes our eyes are bigger than our stomachs so taking small portions and then getting more makes good sense for every one – it also helps with weight control, because it encourages us to decide whether we are still hungry before getting more.

I DO like that she is adamant about teaching kids to listen to their bodies. No “Clean Plate Club” here – we eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full. Particularly given U.S. childhood obesity epidemic, it’s important that we help our children to develop positive relationships with food. She suggests that this also helps prevent eating disorders (I wonder what some parents of anorexic or bulimic kids would have to say about this – correct me if I am wrong, but I think the prevailing belief is that the parents are not to blame, and that peer pressure has more of an impact.)

Another great suggestion in this chapter – we should share a meal as together at least once a day (some people find family breakfast easier than family dinner). We share dinner together, even though we occasionally enjoy this meal in front of the television – we are fans of American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. Barbara recommends “breaking out the good china” at least once a month and finding something to celebrate as a family – because we deserve it.

Next up: Bedtime – Are you as anxious as I am to see what she will say about this?

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (5)

By jamie, March 26, 2010 2:12 pm

Barbara says we should start giving our children an allowance when they will not longer eat the money. I guess it’s too early for my little girl, although lately she is more interested in putting her fingers in her mouth as opposed to everything she picks up, so it might be time to get her a little bank.

I read this chapter with cautious optimism, because my husband and I have different opinions about how we should teach children about handling money. In his family, there was a great deal of emphasis on teaching proper money management, and most things had a dollar value attached to them, even time. When his parents upgraded their television, he purchased the old one from his parents so he could have a TV in his bedroom. My parents gave me spending money when I was a kid, but they pretty much paid for everything until I was old enough to have a part time job – then I helped pay for school activities and some of my expenses. We sometimes babysat for extra money, but most things did not have a dollar value attached to them (our allowance was not tied to chores).

I do not completely agree with Barbara in this chapter. Here is her point of view, in a nutshell – children should be given money without having to do chores, and the only rule (other than that they cannot do anything illegal, morally dangerous or physically dangerous with it) is that they must put some of it into savings, some to charity (tithing, etc.), and the rest they can do with as they like. We should also model proper money management and let our kids watch us pay bills, make financial decisions, etc. As they get older, they should be given larger amounts of money, along with the responsibility to pay for their own school clothing, entertainment, school supplies and activities and, if they get a job, eventually their car insurance and perhaps a share of the utilities.

I see what she is getting at, but I don’t approve of putting kids in charge of their school clothing. To me, it’s alright to take her clothes shopping a few times a year – with a budget, but without expecting her to handle the entire burden. As long as she learns to respect money, it seems too “cold” to me to manage our home this way. To me, this chapter represents best practices for the middle classes (even if there is a “charitable giving” clause), and I don’t want to raise my children with assumptions of class superiority. (If you care to debate me on this, I DO listen.)

As for modeling financial responsibility, my husband and I use debit cards for most of our purchases, and pay our bills online. My daughter knows that credit cards are valuable (in fact, as I am writing this, she got into my purse and tried to make off with mine!). I have been thinking that I should start using cash more so she can see money change hands when we buy groceries or other things we need – now might be the time to start.

I really like the idea of charitable giving in this chapter, but, particularly given the challenges in today’s economy, I don’t think our contributions always have to be monetary ones. Aside from tithing, for families who practice this, I think kids should be encouraged to give of their time – sometimes this will result in a much greater contribution than can come from their allowances.

I also think that we can properly teach our kids to be financially responsible without influencing them to be calculating capitalists. This means that outgrown clothing and toys should be given away instead of sold (unless it is necessary to sell things in order to make ends meet – a common reality in today’s economy). When we were growing up, my mom often enlisted us to make cookies and decorate packages to take to people in need. We gave rides to church and to the doctor, and we would never have considered extracting a fee. Some of our babysitting jobs were even done simply for the sake of helping busy parents who could not afford to pay someone to take their kids for a few hours. I think these lessons were just as valuable as those about fiscal responsibility – they helped us to be responsible in different ways. I hope to help my kids learn to give of their time as well (without calculating a dollar value).

Finally, to me, charity begins at home – obviously this means that outgrown clothing and toys should be happily handed down to younger siblings (with no fee!) even if the original owner paid for them with his own money. As a first-born child, I can say that we usually end up receiving plenty before our siblings arrive – it’s only fair to share as we go. I asked my mom for her opinion on the matter, and she suggested that kids can also be encouraged to participate in family saving projects – everyone can contribute to a family pot which can be spent on a room addition or a new car, or something else that will benefit the entire family – she said that this was done when she was growing up, and I think it’s a great idea.

Next up: Mealtime

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees