We have been back from California for almost a week and I still have not finished unpacking. This happens every time we get back from a trip – putting laundry away is pretty much my least favorite chore, but unpacking is far worse. Between two of the books I read today (Chapters 5-6 in this one, along with Unlimited, by Jillian Michaels), I think I figured out why:

I have mentioned here (probably many times) that my family lives clear across the country from me. I moved to Florida to be with my husband. This was a huge sacrifice, because I am very close to my family, but it was one I was willing to make because I love my husband too and I wanted for us to be “us” – his business was/is well-established and I wanted to go back to school, so it made more sense for me to be the one to move. Fast forward to today and I still love him a lot and we are both crazy about our daughter (in case you hadn’t noticed). The thing is, not a day goes by that I don’t miss my family in California. And even though I am happy here, I sometimes look at how Geek Boy can just call up his brother and meet for lunch on a whim or how his parents get to pick Little Mama up from school and meet her teachers, and I feel JUST A LITTLE BIT like I got the short end of the stick here. And unpacking reminds me of that, it symbolizes the fact that I have to go through a big production every time I want to have lunch with my sister, or give my parents and grandparents some time with our little girl.

So, chapters 5 and 6 are about incentives and trade-offs (don’t worry – I’ll get back to my travel/unpacking epiphany in a bitt).

The chapter on incentives includes a fascinating story about a rat outbreak in colonial Vietnam. According to the authors, the French offered payment for rat tails in order to eradicate the problem. Obviously, this incentive backfired – people started breeding rats/rat tails, and the problem just got worse. (Off topic here, but I think parents should think about this story before giving their kids candy as part of potty training or to help them behave – it teaches them to demand prizes for things they should be doing anyway).

As for marriage, the authors find “trust” to be a most powerful incentive: “Trust someone to do the right thing, and odds are, if they aren’t psychopaths or serial killers, they’ll do it.” I looked at the suitcase parked at the foot of the bed today and thought – how long should you wait? I mean, I know I’m not a serial killer, and I’m 99.999% certain I’m not a psychopath, but when I’m busy not unpacking my suitcase I’m not exactly busy doing anything else around the house either, and that’s got to get old after about a day or so. (Tomorrow for sure – laundry will get done and I’ll even clean the kitchen – trust me GB).

I want to keep seeing my family with the frequency I do. My week of wallowing upon my return is not exactly creating an incentive for GB to want me to take these trips (which makes me pretty mad – how dare he not want me to see my family, right?). If I step outside of myself (admittedly I have to step pretty far) I can almost see that my attitude creates a situation where he feels like he’s getting the short end of stick a bit. Also, I know he misses us – Little Mama is pretty great, and I’m not too bad either.

The chapter on trade-offs really got me thinking – I chose to move here even though it would mean that it would be expensive and tricky to spend an appreciable amount of time with my family back home. I also really, really want my kids to be as close to my parents and I am to my grandparents (I don’t call my grandma my Reyna for nothing!) – there will definitely be some trade-offs in order for that to happen. My husband chose to marry someone who is very close to a family that lives almost as far away as they possibly can and still live in the same county (not including Hawaii and Alaska).

Here is an economics term: inequity aversion – as close as I can tell, it means that no one wants to have the short end of the stick. Their advice? “Not exactly a high-concept solution, but the only way to tackle inequality aversion is to will it away- to recognize that the more time you spend on an it’s-not-fair mentality, the less time you have for calculating the long-term benefits of a trade-off, for tallying up the short-term costs, and, ultimately, for finding solutions.”

Scroll down for other posts about Spousonomics:

Review
Part 1: Spousonomics, by Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson
Part 2: Yoga and Over-Cooked Chicken
Part 3: Unpacking my Suitcases
Part 4: Don’t Lecture Me
Part 5: Games and Bubbles
GB Part 1: Post-privacy and Marriage