Comments (1)

By jamie, May 6, 2010 12:34 am

When we were kids, my mom used to get upset when we said we were bored. It was almost like saying a bad word – “only boring people get bored,” my mom would say. Today I hear kids saying that all the time, and it annoys me. Well, this chapter reveals that for many teenagers, their brains actually register boredom for all but extremely exciting/exhilarating activities. For activities that excite the adult brain, they actually feel no response, or even a negative one. This is probably why teens often make impulsive, bad decisions that their parents are shocked about – their brains crave excitement. Experts try to teach teens how to combat boredom and how to be intrinsically motivated – I think we can do that too as parents.

This chapter is on teenage rebellion. It contains a lot of research on brain development, as well as a history of how the various psychological studies on teens and rebellion have contradicted each other, and why. There is too much to cover in a single blog post – I’ll only mention a couple more major points.

Remember Barbara Coloroso’s preference for “backbone” parents? Well it turns out she has scientific evidence to back her up – these parents are more likely to have solid relationships with their children through the teen years, are less likely to be lied to and rebelled against. These parents set rules for their children to follow, but are willing to discuss and negotiate with their teens, sometimes amending rules as they see fit. Children know this, and so they are less likely to lie or sneak.

Parents who do not set rules for their children (the “jellyfish parents”) are more likely to have rebellious teenagers. Sometimes overly-lenient parents try to avoid teen rebellion by giving into every whim and even allowing their children to do things that are clearly wrong. The teens get the idea that their parents do not care about them, so they tend to engage in more risky behavior. I once knew a fourteen-year-old girl whose parents allowed her to date and ultimately marry a 20-year-old man – they figured she was going to do it anyway, and so at least this way she would not be sneaking around. I always wondered about that parental decision.

Really strict households where rules are not negotiable under any circumstances DO tend to experience less teen rebellion. They also have more incidents of teen depression.

Oh, and many teenagers see arguing with their parents as a sign of respect. If parents listen to their children and are willing to negotiate, they might experience more arguments along the way, but their children will continue to communicate with them because they respect them and know that their opinions are heard.

Other posts about NurtureShock:

Post 1: NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Post 2: Your Brain is a Muscle
Post 3: Sleeping Makes Kids Smarter
Post 4: Race is a Tricky Topic
Post 5: Tattletails and Liars
Post 6: IQ Tests for Toddlers
Post 7: I Love My Sister
Post 8: Those Wacky Teenagers
Post 9: Learning Through Play
Post 10: Daddy, Hug Mommy Now
Post 11: I am Raising a Little Chatterbox

Comments (1)

By jamie, May 3, 2010 9:59 am

Yay! My first children’s book! And I really had a good time reading it. A friend of mine is meeting with her reading group this week to discuss The Girl Who Could Fly. I can’t join her group, but here are my thoughts (this post is probably just for people who have read the book):

The age-group for this book is 9-12, but some of the lessons in it are also applicable to older kids and adults. For example, one of the characters (Millie Mae) is the town gossip, and she is dangerous – gossip can destroy someone’s self esteem, and can mess up their lives. She makes up lies about people when she doesn’t have anything else to say about them, and we also learn that she is a complete hypocrite. Hypocrisy is a recurring theme, as good, churchgoing people are cruel to anyone who is perceived as different, and consider it evil and sinful for the little girl to fly just because they cannot do it themselves. The picnic scene where Piper tries to catch the ball is, of course, the most obvious example of this – the kids do not want anything to do with her and won’t give her the benefit of the doubt because their opinions have been poisoned by Millia Mae.

The people in Piper’s town want everyone to be ordinary (which is the only reason Piper’s parents are able to give her up to the school so quickly). They don’t trust anything that doesn’t seem natural. At the same time, they do not stop to think about who decides what is natural or right. When Piper realizes that the cow is mourning the death of her baby, and that cows must have feelings just like humans do, she makes her father think and she makes her mother uncomfortable. It takes an exceptional person to recognize when something “isn’t right” even though it’s the way “it’s always been done” because most of us just accept things as we are taught.

“My ma told me that there isn’t anything in this life worth having that comes easy. She told me that every road I want down’s gonna have a price. But what she didn’t tell me and what I learn since I’ve been here is that if you don’t choose the road you’re gonna walk, sooner or later someone else’ll do that choosing for you.” – Piper McCloud (pp. 208-209)

This is important for all of us – success takes hard work, and sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to achieve our goals. I think it’s important for children to learn to prioritize, and to work with their parents to make important decisions instead of the parents deciding everything. I used to hide behind my mom sometimes, using her as an excuse for a decision I made instead of “owning” it myself. Barbara Coloroso suggests that parents give their children this “out” so that when kids are asked to do something that is against their principles, they can use their parents as an excuse to defeat peer pressure – I think it’s important for kids to, at some point, learn to make those decisions on their own, and to claim them as such. Also, we can only sit on a fence for so long, and then we either have to jump, or someone is going to push us off in one way or another. Kids can, and should, learn to have convictions of their own.

I enjoyed the character names in the book, which generally provide some clue about each character (Piper McCloud is the girl who can fly, and Professor Mumbleby is hard to understand because of his strong accent). This might be perceived as gimmicky in an adult novel, but it’s a good way to introduce children to the literary technique of foreshadowing (which is more subtle in adult literature).

Some of the scenes are a bit too mature for some younger children – when Piper is tortured to the point of becoming disabled, and the horrible experiments conducted on animals are rather graphic. I also feel bad that the themes of forgiveness or redemption are not better explored in the character of Dr. Hellion.

One nitpick I have with this book is with regard to Conrad, the genius kid. Forester makes it seem as though he is a sociopath by making us privy to his thoughts of destroying the happiness of others, then suddenly we learn that his motivations are less evil and more about logic and self preservation – to me, this seems contradictory and contrived. She should not have give us his thoughts only to reverse them later in order to employ this plot twist.

Book series’ are very popular today, and Forester left the door open for more books in this setting, with the school and with the mysterious character, J. I looked her up to see if any more books are planned, but didn’t find anything. I DID, however, learn that this book started out as a screenplay, which I am happy about, because it’s one of those stories that made me think, this would be a great film!

Comments (0)

By jamie, April 27, 2010 11:31 pm

The other day at nursery school, Baby Girl had a bad day on the potty. She went through all of her supply of big girl undies, three sets of her own clothing, and was on her second set of “loaner” clothing and wearing a pull-up when her daddy picked her up. We have gotten rid of all of her pull-ups because she is doing so well, so this day was really a setback for her. When I got home from class, hubby explained that she cried a lot when he brought her home, and begged for a diaper instead of underwear. I wrote about this once before, how she already seems to have a fear of failure, and it worries me that we are messing her up with all of the praise she constantly gets. Our daughter, like other kids, hears how smart she is every single day, even though we are trying to avoid saying it to her – she is our first child, and we are routinely dazzled by something clever she says or does, and the first thing that pops into my head to say is how intelligent she is. Teachers, other parents, and even strangers tell children they are smart (and of course they tell girls how pretty they are). They even have electronic toys that say it to them when they get the right answer. It’s an epidemic!

I have not read many books this year, but this is the third one that provides scientific evidence that too much praise messes up our kids. Jonah Lehrer discusses some of the same research described in NurtureShock, and Barbara Coloroso devotes an entire chapter to the negative effects of praise.

Here are some highlights from this chapter (#1):

• When kids are constantly praised, and some of that praise is insincere, they learn to discount ALL praise.
• Because some parents and teachers use praise to help a kid do better at something they are not good at, many kids see praise as evidence that they have done something wrong or are deficient in some way.
• We should teach our children that their brain is a muscle, and that they can get smarter and better if they work hard and challenge themselves – exercising our brains makes us smarter!
• If we help our children see failures as opportunities to learn, we may be surprised at how much better they do next time around.
• When we DO give praise, it should be specific to their efforts, as opposed to generic to their perceived abilities (“You did a great job sounding out that hard word” instead of “You are so smart – what a perfect reader you are!”)

This chapter made me think about myself as well. I only like to do things if I am good at them. When I was little, I took piano lessons one summer – the book had numbers next to the notes to help teach finger placement – I ended up learning to “play by number” and didn’t learn the notes at all. Since learning the notes proved to be a challenge for me, I took the easy way out, and playing by number meant that I still sounded good. When the piano teacher finally got frustrated with my refusal to learn the notes and suggested that I might be better at something else, I didn’t look back – no more music lessons for me! In junior high, I had my entire schedule shifted around when I discovered that my art class caused too much anxiety for me – I wasn’t very good at it! A friend bought an IQ test book one time, and made copies so all of us could take the test and see how smart we were – I made myself chronically unavailable just in case I might learn that I had somehow lost IQ points (and I say I don’t care about those tests). As it turns out, a lot of gifted children shy away from challenges because they are afraid to learn they might not be as innately intelligent as they think they are and then, as I can attest, they become adults who do not like to do things they are not good at.

I have been avoiding public exercise because I have gotten out of shape. Well, last week I took a deep breath and joined the Y, where I have humiliated myself in a few Spinning classes so far, and may even go wild and try Zumba soon! I have to set a good example for my kiddo, and my brain is not the only muscle I can improve!

Other posts about NurtureShock:

Post 1: NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Post 2: Your Brain is a Muscle
Post 3: Sleeping Makes Kids Smarter
Post 4: Race is a Tricky Topic
Post 5: Tattletails and Liars
Post 6: IQ Tests for Toddlers
Post 7: I Love My Sister
Post 8: Those Wacky Teenagers
Post 9: Learning Through Play
Post 10: Daddy, Hug Mommy Now
Post 11: I am Raising a Little Chatterbox

Comments (1)

By jamie, April 6, 2010 9:13 am

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso is the best parenting book I have read so far. Instead of teaching parents how to control our children’s behavior, Coloroso’s focus is on helping us teach our children to control their own behavior.

At the beginning the book, Coloroso describes three kinds of parents: brick walls, jelly fish, and backbones – these three categories are discussed in each chapter, as we learn how each parent reacts to various situations. Brick wall homes are full of rigid rules, strict consequences and no flexibility. Jellyfish families don’t have any rules at all, or if they do, they are enforced only sporadically. Finally, backbone parents are flexible, yet provide a strong foundation – they are the family to be, because their children are better adjusted, happier, and internally motivated to be the best people possible. These kids are less likely to be swayed by peer pressure or to get into trouble.

Backbone parenting is aptly termed – adopting this method for guiding our children means that we, too, must learn to stand strong against peer influences. When our children are having a tantrum in public, we must turn a deaf ear to other parents (including our own!) telling us to scold, spank, or put in time out. When siblings fight at the family reunion and are given a fun cooperative task to complete instead of being punished, we must ignore the dirty looks and verbal predictions that we are raising little hooligans.

The advice may be challenging to follow at times, but it makes a great deal of sense. Do we really want our children to be motivated to be good because they are fearful of punishment? Do we want them to only engage in activities to which a monetary (or other material) reward is attached? Wouldn’t it be better for them to be internally motivated? If our children have a strong work ethic, pride in their work (and in their efforts), we have helped them to be better people and increasing their chances of success in life.

This book turns a lot of popular parenting beliefs upside down. Because the emphasis is on helping children learn to control their own behavior, rewards and punishments are discouraged. Putting children in “timeout” and then demanding a “sincere” apology? Absurd. Taking away privileges such as family outings or computer time does not help children learn to manage their own behavior (in my opinion it probably just teaches them to avoid getting caught, as does spanking). Instead of handing out punishments, we should allow our children to experience real world consequences (except in cases where this might include something that is illegal, morally dangerous, or physically dangerous). For example, if a teenager runs the car into the garage, having her pay for the repairs on both the car and the garage door (yet letting her continue to drive the car) would be a better consequence than taking away her car privileges or grounding her for a month.

Possibly because Coloroso has worked with “troubled” children in the past, she heavily emphasizes the worst possible potential dangers of being either a brick wall or a jellyfish parent – if we have too many or too few rules, our children might end up turning to substance abuse, promiscuity, or even suicide as a result! Sometimes these warnings seem a bit far fetched to me, but maybe that’s because my parenting falls somewhere on the spectrum between the two extremes.

While this book has potentially revolutionized my future parenting, I do not agree with every suggestion. In my opinion, some backbones are more flexible than others, and sometimes it’s necessary to be a little bit more rigid than she might be. Somehow, though, I think Coloroso would agree with this opinion, since she suggests that certain policies must be personalized on an individual basis. For example, in the chapter on bedtime, she is clear that the suggestions she gives are what works for her family, and that they might not work the same for someone else’s.

Most of the advice in this book is likely geared toward parents with older children – it takes a great deal of creativity to teach real world consequences to preschoolers while still keeping them safe. This should not discourage newer parents, however – maybe by reading it early, you won’t have to apologize for all the useless timeouts (and you may be able to resist giving your children candy or stickers as a reward for using the potty properly, even though many potty training “experts” insist upon this technique). It might even make a perfect baby shower gift.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (4)

By jamie, April 1, 2010 7:34 am

The final chapter focuses on how to teach children about sexuality. The best advice here is that our children should have correct information – if they do not learn from us, and if they do not feel comfortable asking us questions, they will learn from, and ask, someone else (probably their peers). This means we should find out what we need to in order to teach them, and we should not make sex a taboo topic in our homes. We should also use correct names for things, instead of using confusing euphemisms (such as “the birds and the bees”).

I have heard parents tell small children that their little brother or sister is “growing in Mommy’s tummy”. Barbara suggests that this will only confuse them, and that it is better to explain that “Mommies have special places in their bodies called a womb, where babies can grow until they are ready to come out into the world” or something like that. (I am paraphrasing, not directly quoting the book). I ask my daughter if she needs food for her tummy, or if her tummy hurts, so it makes sense that I would be causing confusion if I someday tell her that there is a baby growing in my tummy (all mixed up with the food I eat).

The chapter is divided by age group, and helps parents deal maturely with what is generally a sensitive topic, and to continue the discussion as their children grow up and require more information and reassurance about their own bodies and feelings related to sexuality. I am more conservative about such things than Barbara is, and I can’t imagine myself following all of her advice here, but some of it sounds very helpful for when my child gets older.

My favorite suggestion: when it comes time to talk to your pre-teen about “not the birds and the bees”, get in the car with him/her, lock the doors, and drive somewhere about 90 minutes away. After you begin the trip, start talking, and keep talking and listening. This way neither you nor your child can escape the conversation, and you won’t have to make eye contact, because you much watch the road and your kid can look out the window. At the end of the trip, go to a restaurant and enjoy a meal together. Brilliant.

The book ends with a note to parents, encouraging us and reminding us that we too, are worth it. I am trying to follow much of the advice provided in this book, and I feel better equipped to handle new milestones as we reach them with our wonderful little girl, and any other children we may have someday. OF COURSE our kids are worth it, worth any amount of work and sacrifice – they are priceless. They are a tremendous gift and responsibility.

My review of the book is coming soon, but it’s safe to say that I highly recommend it. It is my favorite parenting book so far.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees