Comments (1)

By jamie, April 6, 2010 9:13 am

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso is the best parenting book I have read so far. Instead of teaching parents how to control our children’s behavior, Coloroso’s focus is on helping us teach our children to control their own behavior.

At the beginning the book, Coloroso describes three kinds of parents: brick walls, jelly fish, and backbones – these three categories are discussed in each chapter, as we learn how each parent reacts to various situations. Brick wall homes are full of rigid rules, strict consequences and no flexibility. Jellyfish families don’t have any rules at all, or if they do, they are enforced only sporadically. Finally, backbone parents are flexible, yet provide a strong foundation – they are the family to be, because their children are better adjusted, happier, and internally motivated to be the best people possible. These kids are less likely to be swayed by peer pressure or to get into trouble.

Backbone parenting is aptly termed – adopting this method for guiding our children means that we, too, must learn to stand strong against peer influences. When our children are having a tantrum in public, we must turn a deaf ear to other parents (including our own!) telling us to scold, spank, or put in time out. When siblings fight at the family reunion and are given a fun cooperative task to complete instead of being punished, we must ignore the dirty looks and verbal predictions that we are raising little hooligans.

The advice may be challenging to follow at times, but it makes a great deal of sense. Do we really want our children to be motivated to be good because they are fearful of punishment? Do we want them to only engage in activities to which a monetary (or other material) reward is attached? Wouldn’t it be better for them to be internally motivated? If our children have a strong work ethic, pride in their work (and in their efforts), we have helped them to be better people and increasing their chances of success in life.

This book turns a lot of popular parenting beliefs upside down. Because the emphasis is on helping children learn to control their own behavior, rewards and punishments are discouraged. Putting children in “timeout” and then demanding a “sincere” apology? Absurd. Taking away privileges such as family outings or computer time does not help children learn to manage their own behavior (in my opinion it probably just teaches them to avoid getting caught, as does spanking). Instead of handing out punishments, we should allow our children to experience real world consequences (except in cases where this might include something that is illegal, morally dangerous, or physically dangerous). For example, if a teenager runs the car into the garage, having her pay for the repairs on both the car and the garage door (yet letting her continue to drive the car) would be a better consequence than taking away her car privileges or grounding her for a month.

Possibly because Coloroso has worked with “troubled” children in the past, she heavily emphasizes the worst possible potential dangers of being either a brick wall or a jellyfish parent – if we have too many or too few rules, our children might end up turning to substance abuse, promiscuity, or even suicide as a result! Sometimes these warnings seem a bit far fetched to me, but maybe that’s because my parenting falls somewhere on the spectrum between the two extremes.

While this book has potentially revolutionized my future parenting, I do not agree with every suggestion. In my opinion, some backbones are more flexible than others, and sometimes it’s necessary to be a little bit more rigid than she might be. Somehow, though, I think Coloroso would agree with this opinion, since she suggests that certain policies must be personalized on an individual basis. For example, in the chapter on bedtime, she is clear that the suggestions she gives are what works for her family, and that they might not work the same for someone else’s.

Most of the advice in this book is likely geared toward parents with older children – it takes a great deal of creativity to teach real world consequences to preschoolers while still keeping them safe. This should not discourage newer parents, however – maybe by reading it early, you won’t have to apologize for all the useless timeouts (and you may be able to resist giving your children candy or stickers as a reward for using the potty properly, even though many potty training “experts” insist upon this technique). It might even make a perfect baby shower gift.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (4)

By jamie, April 1, 2010 7:34 am

The final chapter focuses on how to teach children about sexuality. The best advice here is that our children should have correct information – if they do not learn from us, and if they do not feel comfortable asking us questions, they will learn from, and ask, someone else (probably their peers). This means we should find out what we need to in order to teach them, and we should not make sex a taboo topic in our homes. We should also use correct names for things, instead of using confusing euphemisms (such as “the birds and the bees”).

I have heard parents tell small children that their little brother or sister is “growing in Mommy’s tummy”. Barbara suggests that this will only confuse them, and that it is better to explain that “Mommies have special places in their bodies called a womb, where babies can grow until they are ready to come out into the world” or something like that. (I am paraphrasing, not directly quoting the book). I ask my daughter if she needs food for her tummy, or if her tummy hurts, so it makes sense that I would be causing confusion if I someday tell her that there is a baby growing in my tummy (all mixed up with the food I eat).

The chapter is divided by age group, and helps parents deal maturely with what is generally a sensitive topic, and to continue the discussion as their children grow up and require more information and reassurance about their own bodies and feelings related to sexuality. I am more conservative about such things than Barbara is, and I can’t imagine myself following all of her advice here, but some of it sounds very helpful for when my child gets older.

My favorite suggestion: when it comes time to talk to your pre-teen about “not the birds and the bees”, get in the car with him/her, lock the doors, and drive somewhere about 90 minutes away. After you begin the trip, start talking, and keep talking and listening. This way neither you nor your child can escape the conversation, and you won’t have to make eye contact, because you much watch the road and your kid can look out the window. At the end of the trip, go to a restaurant and enjoy a meal together. Brilliant.

The book ends with a note to parents, encouraging us and reminding us that we too, are worth it. I am trying to follow much of the advice provided in this book, and I feel better equipped to handle new milestones as we reach them with our wonderful little girl, and any other children we may have someday. OF COURSE our kids are worth it, worth any amount of work and sacrifice – they are priceless. They are a tremendous gift and responsibility.

My review of the book is coming soon, but it’s safe to say that I highly recommend it. It is my favorite parenting book so far.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (8)

By jamie, March 31, 2010 8:29 am

We started potty training our daughter when she was about five months old. We read the book, Infant Potty Training: A Gentle and Primeval Method Adapted to Modern Living, by Laurie Boucke, and decided that it made a lot of sense to help our kiddo learn how to use the bathroom with this no-pressure, time-tested (in other cultures, and for generations) method. Unfortunately, we were not consistent. For example, we would get very busy, or go away on a trip, stop training, and then start again when we felt motivated to do so.

We decided to “get serious” when she turned one, but fell off the wagon here and there, and, as a result, she is almost* (but not quite) trained one year later. Needless to say, Barbara suggests consistency in potty training. She disagrees with anyone promising toilet training in 24 hours, says that our children should be ready and willing before we begin, and that we should be patient (meaning we must not complain about the inevitable accident, even months into the process).

I wish I could get clarification on taking breaks and staying consistent: she recommends we keep diapers on hand in case our toddlers need to take a break from potty training, or for night time (she says that many kids take a long time to be night trained, which is the opposite case for our daughter – she has woken up dry since she was an infant). A few months ago our daughter surged ahead in potty mastery when we took away the pull ups completely. We took a long weekend to work with her, and she was doing fantastic – then we had to take her back to nursery school. The first day, her teachers cleaned up a lot of puddles, so I suggested we return to pull ups the following day. The director at her school completely disagreed, saying “Never go backwards. Once you get started, you keep moving forwards. Just make sure we have plenty of extra clothing for her.” And they were right! Maybe Barbara means that we should have the diapers in case we learn that we have started training too soon, or maybe she is really only suggests using them at night – this is not clear from my reading of the chapter.

One thing I disagree on – the book was first published in 1994, then revised in 2002, so she mentions “pull ups” as being new on the market, but recommends them – I find that my daughter relaxes when she is wearing these, and is more likely to stay dry in “big girl undies.” In fact, as I am writing this, I am paying the price for putting her back in pull ups – we went to Disney, and I didn’t want her to leave puddles on the rides, so I put her in pull ups just in case. This morning I am washing a load of laundry, courtesy of my baby girl – and I’m hoping that she will resume her potty mastery by the time she returns to nursery school next week (don’t worry – we will not pressure her – today I will just be more vigilant about reminding her to “go potty” until she resumes telling me when she needs to go). In my opinion, if you and your child are ready to potty train, use the big kid undies whenever possible (pull ups for daycare and bedtime if necessary).

Oh, and cheers to Barbara for not using those dreadful words, “pee” and “poop” – I can’t stand those words. She says “wet” and “BM” instead. Those sound so much nicer, don’t you think?

*Almost potty trained means that she wakes up dry every morning, but occasionally makes a puddle during the day, and we have to catch her having a BM, because she seldom warns us when these are about to happen.

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (8)

By jamie, March 30, 2010 11:42 am

One time, when we were kids, our family went to Disneyland during a square dancing convention. When we arrived that morning, we learned that the park was going to remain opened until 4 am. We were so excited when we learned this, because our family was cool, and we knew they would let us remain there until closing time (we got our money’s worth out of those Disney tickets). All night long, we ran around Disneyland, getting on ride after ride without having to wait in line. My Reyna (my Grandma) was with us, as well as other extended family, and we all have great memories of that (very long, very fun) day.

As it turns out, Barbara does not believe in set bedtimes either, and she also allows for flexibility in routine. I guess this should not have surprised me given her belief in natural consequences. She says that kids will learn to go to bed earlier after a few days of being tired at school. Instead of a set bedtime, give them routines and help them learn how to get to sleep on their own.

Sleep is something we are actively working on as parents (and part of our problem may be that I am not the best model in this area – I, too, resist sleep). Our (almost) two-year-old does not like to go to sleep (once she’s down, she stays down for ten hours or so, but she is not a napper and valiantly resists falling asleep). After reading this chapter, I think we need to develop structure without strict routine, but I’m not exactly sure what to do yet. Part of our problem is that we travel several times a year. We live in Florida, but we visit my family on the west coast – the time zone jump is tricky for sleep patterns, and requires us to be flexible.

I was glad to read that Barbara does not condone the popular “cry it out” method of sleep teaching. I don’t want my babies to cry themselves to sleep, even if it is just for a few days/hours. I want to teach them techniques so that they can happily go to sleep without their last thoughts of each day being sadness or frustration. That said, we just took bottles away from our little one (late, I know), and some nights have involved at least a few tears. She also asks for repeated potty trips because she knows we take those requests seriously (she is almost completely potty trained, so she sleeps in “big girl” undies).

While she includes a lot of useful techniques for helping infants sleep, for older children Barbara basically says that each family needs to determine what works best for everyone, and follow through. When she discusses her own practices, she phrases them as her family’s practices, and explains why they work for her family. I really like that she does not say that their way is better than that of another family.

One thing she and her husband do – they have a lock on their bedroom door that they use every night. The kids just have to knock, and a parent will be available for them. Among other reasons for this, she says teaches children to knock before entering another person’s bedroom, and it allows the parents to have privacy. I cannot imagine doing this in my home, but it works in hers. What about you?

Tomorrow: Potty Training

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees

Comments (4)

By jamie, March 27, 2010 4:07 pm

I made most of my daughter’s baby food when she was an infant because I had read that this would help her avoid being a picky eater. (We already have one of those in the family – my husband is happiest when his foods do not touch and contain only a few ingredients and prefers not to have vegetables.) As you may have guessed, it didn’t work. Now, when faced with a vegetable, or with anything new, she makes a face, licks the proffered item, then solemnly says, “I don’t liike ut.” Sometimes she skips the lick.

So, what to do? Barbara suggests, for kids who do not eat cooked vegetables, to offer them frozen. “[f]rozen corn, frozen carrots, frozen peas do not taste like corn, carrots, or peas; they taste like frozen.” I am really not sure about this – I know my big “kid” will refuse them, and I’m quite certain that my little kid will just lick them and say “I don’t liike ut.” If any of you try this method and it works, please let me know.

For the second time in a row, I am not entirely on board with Barbara. She has lots of suggestions for specific food matters, and some of them I did not like at all. For example, if a kid puts too much on their plate and doesn’t finish it, she suggests that we refrigerate the uneaten food, and then offer it the next time the child is hungry (but not at the next meal) in order to teach him that “he can make a mistake in the amount of food he takes and can have a responsible way of dealing with the mistake.” I think, instead, that we can teach our kids to take only a little bit, eat that, and then get some more. I mean really – sometimes our eyes are bigger than our stomachs so taking small portions and then getting more makes good sense for every one – it also helps with weight control, because it encourages us to decide whether we are still hungry before getting more.

I DO like that she is adamant about teaching kids to listen to their bodies. No “Clean Plate Club” here – we eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full. Particularly given U.S. childhood obesity epidemic, it’s important that we help our children to develop positive relationships with food. She suggests that this also helps prevent eating disorders (I wonder what some parents of anorexic or bulimic kids would have to say about this – correct me if I am wrong, but I think the prevailing belief is that the parents are not to blame, and that peer pressure has more of an impact.)

Another great suggestion in this chapter – we should share a meal as together at least once a day (some people find family breakfast easier than family dinner). We share dinner together, even though we occasionally enjoy this meal in front of the television – we are fans of American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. Barbara recommends “breaking out the good china” at least once a month and finding something to celebrate as a family – because we deserve it.

Next up: Bedtime – Are you as anxious as I am to see what she will say about this?

Scroll down for other posts about Kids Are Worth It:

Other posts about Kids Are Worth It:
Part 1: Kids Are Worth it, by Barbara Coloroso
Part 2: Do You Want to be a Butterfly?
Part 3: “Scratch-and-Sniff-Sticker and Star Syndrome”
Part 4: Real World Consequences
Part 5: We Don’t Do Sarcasm
Part 6: If You Have Strong-Willed Children, Lucky You
Part 7: Tantrums, Toddlers, and Teens
Part 8: Teach ‘Em a Lesson
Part 9: Sex, Drugs, and Teenagers
Part 10: Fighting like Cats and Dogs?
Part 11: Children as Professional Con Artists
Part 12: Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees
Part 13: I Love My Picky Eater(s)
Part 14: Please Baby, Sleep
Part 15: Big Kid Undies
Part 16: Birds and Bees